Life Goes On......Mostly
In my last post I was sharing that I was divorced. It was a shock to pretty much everyone with the exception of some family and close friends. Unfortunately it was a huge shock to the kids. I'm not sure how you break the news that their world is going to change and be forever different. They of course didn't find any information given to them to be "good enough" reasons for me to leave their father. Even several years later, they are still very much affected by this.
I've carried the very serious MOM GUILT with me almost daily. I've gone between their happiness (or perceived happiness) and my own. It feels selfish at time. But I also finally found that I needed to really find myself and my true happiness. I'm not talking the superficial kind. Because I had lots of that. And I will be 100% honest.....not all of my marriage was unhappy. Not at all. But as I look back over time, I see where I wasn't being honest with myself or my ex. It's taken some therapy to see where I made some huge mistakes and handled things incorrectly. Much of this was not my Ex's fault, but mine. I have to stand up and say that my failures in the marriage belonged to me. Even with underlying issues with him, I should have....could have.... taken different actions that may have either saved things or possibly ended things sooner. But I digress.......
I work daily and weekly to continue to deal with the mom guilt about messing up my kids. I joking say I'll have to pay for their therapy when they are adults, but sadly it might be more truth than fiction. My youngest has certainly had the most trouble adjusting to all this. Or maybe she's been the most open to our new life where as the oldest still don't fully accept things. I'm not sure.
So each day I work on self love. I work on lifting myself up so I'm the best version of me I can be. I'm not a perfect person. I'm FAR from a perfect mom. But I do love my kids more than life. And although sometimes I'm sure they question that, it is true. However, I won't continue to put everyone else in front of my happiness. It is a balance of meeting needs for all of us. Sometimes that's NOT what they want. I want them all to learn that it's ok to strive for happiness. It's not about giving up or giving in, but working through things as you can. It's about being strong. But in the end, I want them to know that they can strive for a great life and happiness.
I've carried the very serious MOM GUILT with me almost daily. I've gone between their happiness (or perceived happiness) and my own. It feels selfish at time. But I also finally found that I needed to really find myself and my true happiness. I'm not talking the superficial kind. Because I had lots of that. And I will be 100% honest.....not all of my marriage was unhappy. Not at all. But as I look back over time, I see where I wasn't being honest with myself or my ex. It's taken some therapy to see where I made some huge mistakes and handled things incorrectly. Much of this was not my Ex's fault, but mine. I have to stand up and say that my failures in the marriage belonged to me. Even with underlying issues with him, I should have....could have.... taken different actions that may have either saved things or possibly ended things sooner. But I digress.......
I work daily and weekly to continue to deal with the mom guilt about messing up my kids. I joking say I'll have to pay for their therapy when they are adults, but sadly it might be more truth than fiction. My youngest has certainly had the most trouble adjusting to all this. Or maybe she's been the most open to our new life where as the oldest still don't fully accept things. I'm not sure.
So each day I work on self love. I work on lifting myself up so I'm the best version of me I can be. I'm not a perfect person. I'm FAR from a perfect mom. But I do love my kids more than life. And although sometimes I'm sure they question that, it is true. However, I won't continue to put everyone else in front of my happiness. It is a balance of meeting needs for all of us. Sometimes that's NOT what they want. I want them all to learn that it's ok to strive for happiness. It's not about giving up or giving in, but working through things as you can. It's about being strong. But in the end, I want them to know that they can strive for a great life and happiness.
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