Bury it......
I was in college and on my way home to visit my family. My car broke down on a mountain pass and the events that followed changed my life forever. I won't go into any details, but at the age of 19 I was raped. It has forever changed and scarred who I was as a person.
My car was repaired the next day and I went back to my apartment and pretended it never happened. I buried as deep as I could. Pretending it never happened. I was young and a fool and believed the threats that had been told to me.
A few months later over Christmas break I had an accident and was able to quit college and move because of my injury. I thought maybe a "fresh" start somewhere would "fix" me. Bury it......
A year after my rape I finally found myself dealing with depression and unable to cope with the pressures of going back to school. I finally broke down and told my mom. My parents were devastated. And now on top of my trauma I also had guilt (I placed on myself) for not telling authorities or my parents when it all happened. Bury it
Against advice, I refused to find a therapist or councilor. I could handle it on my own. I didn't want to revisit the thoughts, the experience. I just couldn't. Instead I would bury it.
I got involved in a young adults group through our church and helped with the church youth group. I poured every moment I could being with people that were positive and uplifting. It allowed me to continue to avoid it. Until a job interview for a live in nanny position when the father was showing me what would be "my room" and started to get undressed. I ran out of the house as fast as I could and back to a friends house where I called the police. Just bury it, don't be weak.
Needless to say that trauma brought back all those old feelings and experiences. I was really struggling to keep it together, but what a dirty secret I had. I didn't want anyone to know. Bury it.
You see.....no matter what they say, I felt it WAS my fault. Maybe I was too friendly? Maybe I sent mixed signals. I started dwelling on it all. Maybe I didn't say "NO"? Did I? Was I asking for it? Let me be clear....he had a weapon and I very much was afraid for my life, BUT I still felt that somehow it was my fault????
You guys.....for YEARS and YEARS I lived with this. I struggled with depression more on than off. I didn't even tell my then husband my story....just a "I was raped.....no big deal" story. What a lie. I became the best at deceiving myself and anyone that knew (family) that I was all ok. No big deal.
Except it WAS a big deal. It stole so much of my happiness. I wasn't me. I was depressed. At times when things got even worse with situational events I would go on medication. But I wasn't honest. It 100% affected my relationship with my husband. It wasn't fair to either of us, but I often pretended in the early days that sex was the greatest thing, but I could only hold that act for so long.
The final straw was my failing marriage and an EMS call for a rape that finally broke me. I could no longer cope. I could no longer "bury it".
Needless to say that this became the source of some serious issues. And it was almost 20 years later that I finally went to see a therapist. 20 YEARS. I only then started to really deal with and understand how messed up my mind was and how unhealthy this experience had made me mentally.
Did it "fix" me? Sorta? I can talk about it now. I've been honest with my fiance. I've been able to have healthier thoughts and experience when it comes to sex and sexuality. Mentally I've come leaps and bounds. I do well MOST of the time, but sometimes something triggers me and I fall back into those memories and the guilt and dirty feelings come back. But I also know that it was NOT my fault. And if I can save anyone the years of guilt and anguish of a similar experience by just sharing my story and saying.....Don't "bury it"! Get help. Use your support group of family or close friends! Get better.
My car was repaired the next day and I went back to my apartment and pretended it never happened. I buried as deep as I could. Pretending it never happened. I was young and a fool and believed the threats that had been told to me.
A few months later over Christmas break I had an accident and was able to quit college and move because of my injury. I thought maybe a "fresh" start somewhere would "fix" me. Bury it......
A year after my rape I finally found myself dealing with depression and unable to cope with the pressures of going back to school. I finally broke down and told my mom. My parents were devastated. And now on top of my trauma I also had guilt (I placed on myself) for not telling authorities or my parents when it all happened. Bury it
Against advice, I refused to find a therapist or councilor. I could handle it on my own. I didn't want to revisit the thoughts, the experience. I just couldn't. Instead I would bury it.
I got involved in a young adults group through our church and helped with the church youth group. I poured every moment I could being with people that were positive and uplifting. It allowed me to continue to avoid it. Until a job interview for a live in nanny position when the father was showing me what would be "my room" and started to get undressed. I ran out of the house as fast as I could and back to a friends house where I called the police. Just bury it, don't be weak.
Needless to say that trauma brought back all those old feelings and experiences. I was really struggling to keep it together, but what a dirty secret I had. I didn't want anyone to know. Bury it.
You see.....no matter what they say, I felt it WAS my fault. Maybe I was too friendly? Maybe I sent mixed signals. I started dwelling on it all. Maybe I didn't say "NO"? Did I? Was I asking for it? Let me be clear....he had a weapon and I very much was afraid for my life, BUT I still felt that somehow it was my fault????
You guys.....for YEARS and YEARS I lived with this. I struggled with depression more on than off. I didn't even tell my then husband my story....just a "I was raped.....no big deal" story. What a lie. I became the best at deceiving myself and anyone that knew (family) that I was all ok. No big deal.
Except it WAS a big deal. It stole so much of my happiness. I wasn't me. I was depressed. At times when things got even worse with situational events I would go on medication. But I wasn't honest. It 100% affected my relationship with my husband. It wasn't fair to either of us, but I often pretended in the early days that sex was the greatest thing, but I could only hold that act for so long.
The final straw was my failing marriage and an EMS call for a rape that finally broke me. I could no longer cope. I could no longer "bury it".
Needless to say that this became the source of some serious issues. And it was almost 20 years later that I finally went to see a therapist. 20 YEARS. I only then started to really deal with and understand how messed up my mind was and how unhealthy this experience had made me mentally.
Did it "fix" me? Sorta? I can talk about it now. I've been honest with my fiance. I've been able to have healthier thoughts and experience when it comes to sex and sexuality. Mentally I've come leaps and bounds. I do well MOST of the time, but sometimes something triggers me and I fall back into those memories and the guilt and dirty feelings come back. But I also know that it was NOT my fault. And if I can save anyone the years of guilt and anguish of a similar experience by just sharing my story and saying.....Don't "bury it"! Get help. Use your support group of family or close friends! Get better.
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